1. Flock Of Suicidal Geese Drinking Up The Courage To Down Jetliner
  2. Smooth Operator Also Forklift Operator
  3. Remembering 9/11 A Pleasure For Nation Compared To Remembering Past 10 Years
  4. Hollywood Announces Plan To Remake Jimmy Stewart
  5. Father Who Messed Up Visitation Schedule Consumes Entire Dora The Explorer Birthday Cake
  6. U.S. Continues Dependence On Foreign Toil
  7. Perfectly Shitty Couch Sitting On Curb
  8. Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt
  9. Poll Reveals GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy
  10. Minnesota Braces For Return Of Bachmann's Full Attention 
  11. Vegetarian Option Just Iceberg Lettuce On Bread
  12. Area Man Too Poor To Afford Movers, Too Old To Get Help From His Friends
  13. Area Desk Doesn't Mind If People Sit On It Like A Chair Every Once In Awhile
  14. Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips
  15. Update: Obama Yet Again Refrains From Obliterating Human Race
  16. McDonald's Prints Calorie Count Right Onto Meat
  17. Onion Year In Review
  18. Purity Of War Marred By One Bad Apple In Afghanistan
  19. Only Difficult Pistachios Left In Bag
  20. All Financial Experts Urge Americans To Invest Money In Print Media Immediately
  21. Cash-Strapped PBS Releases Nova Special On Physics Behind Rhythmically Bouncing Breasts
  22. Latest GOP Debate Concludes With Candidates Wrestling Squealing Pig To Ground And Slaughtering It
  23. Empire State Building Reopens Spire To Visitors
  24. Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich
  25. 8-Year-Old Boy Surprises Marine Dad During Firefight In Afghanistan
  26. Kangaroo Decides He'll Get There Faster By Just Running
  27. Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle's Extra Long T-Shirts
  28. Amy Winehouse’s Grammys Returned By London Pawn Shop Out Of Respect For Deceased
  29. Sexual Predator Gets Tenure
  30. Ruin The Economy Or Not? Congress Still Unable To Decide
  31. Man With Nice Eyes Blown
  32. Nation's Women Not As Crazy About Bryan Gosling
  33. Year In Review: 2012
  34. Brad Pitt Decides To Grow Out Forehead Hair
  35. Doofus Chilean Miner Stuck Down There Again
  36. Department Of Treasury Releases New Monsters Of The Silver Screen 20 Dollar Bill
  37. Lazy, Illiterate Pulitzer Board Should At Least Be Able To Watch This Fucking Video Recap
  38. 268 Feral Cats Removed From U.N. Headquarters
  39. Nation's Depressed March On Atlantic Ocean
  40. Martin Luther King Bust First Thing To Go, Romney Advisor Quietly Thinking
  41. Woman Unaware She's Only Person On Acid At James Taylor Concert
  42. Self-Conscious Flasher Fully Clothed Under Trench Coat
  43. Mr. Met Takes Out Frustration On Fans At Citi Field
  44. Black Conservatives Support Candidate Whose Religion Believes Black People Bear Mark Of Cain
  45. Courtroom Artist Clearly Infatuated With Bailiff
  46. Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception
  47. Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'
  48. Donald Trump Under Pressure To Prove He's Not A Pathetic Sack Of Human Scum
  49. Jack Palance Still Dead At 87
  50. Dog Held Against Will Inside Skype Window
  51. Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving
  52. Bengal Tigers’ Habitat Down To Studio Apartment In Jaipur, India
  53. New Sympathetic Alarm Clock Just Lets You Sleep
  54. Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear - Year In Review
  55. Space Under Boardroom Table A Complex Web Of Feet Massaging Various Genitals
  56. Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse
  57. Middle-Aged Banana Panics Upon Finding First Brown Spot
  58. Diane Sawyer Introduces New Foul-Mouthed, Cigar-Chomping Character To 'ABC World News'
  59. Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone
  60. Area Man Crawling On Ground Like Pig To Plug Macbook Power Cord Behind Desk
  61. Woman Knew Ever Since Age 40 She Didn't Want Children
  62. Group Of Hunky Cardinals Appeals To Pope To Relax Celibacy Requirement
  63. Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring
  64. Other Guy Named Osama Bin Laden Can Finally Relax
  65. Introducing The Onion Review, The Most Vital Recap In The History Of News
  66. Insecure Man Pretending To Be Someone He's Not
  67. Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back
  68. God’s Will Only Thing Keeping AC Unit In Window
  69. Parents At Graduation Celebrate Child’s Last Accomplishment
  70. Pope Supports Gay Marriage After Meeting Charming Connecticut Couple
  71. Mom’s Head Rotates Demonically After Passing Sign For Antique Wicker Furniture
  72. Andrea Bocelli Smelling The Shit Out Of Red Rose
  73. Retiring Pope Half-Heartedly Suggests Grabbing Lunch Sometime With God
  74. Earthquake Late-Warning System Goes Off In Haiti
  75. Obama Urges Citizens To Hide Evidence Of Our Formerly Prosperous Lives From Nation's Young Children
  76. Mom $15,000 In The Hole With Ceramic Frog Dealer
  77. Facebook Increases User Control With New 'Cancel Account' Feature
  78. Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama ‘Dad’ In Cabinet Meeting
  79. Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time
  80. Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can
  81. Fucking Oasis To Probably Be Worked Into Olympics Opening Ceremony
  82. Unclear If Fountain Is The Type You're Allowed To Run Around In
  83. Obama Slips 'Hope' Into Speech For The Fans
  84. Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil
  85. Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders
  86. Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image
  87. New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released
  88. Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life
  89. Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister
  90. Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids
  91. Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell
  92. Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy
  93. Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One
  94. Romney Locks Self In Oval Office During White House Visit
  95. Obama: 'I Will Allow 10 States To Secede, But No More'
  96. Botanists Discover Trees Are All Slowly Trying To Strangle Each Other
  97. Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal A Prime Example Of Democrats And Democrats Sacrificing For The Greater Good
  98. Bodybuilder's Veins Now Outside Of His Skin
  99. Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer
  100. Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface
  101. No Way Old Man In Park Not Thinking About Dead Wife
  102. Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting
  103. Extravagant New Window Blinds Inspired By The Latest Styles From Venice
  104. Fully Gentrified Neighborhood All Cheese Shops
  105. Pigeon Wishes Just Once It Could Complete Head Movement Smoothly
  106. Bag Of Flour Has Slave Auction On Front
  107. Xylophonist Shredding It
  108. Picasso’s ‘Guernica’ Triples In Value After Being Autographed By The 1994 New York Rangers
  109. Facebook To Permit Users To Change Privacy Settings Only If They Guess Word Contained In Locket Worn By Mark Zuckerberg
  110. Nation Elects Four Years Of Political Gridlock
  111. Airline Pilot Begins Initial Descent Into Madness
  112. Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks
  113. World's Youngest Person Born
  114. FBI Uncovers Largest Credit Card Scam In History After Raiding Visa Headquarters
  115. Stop Sign Taking Forever To Change
  116. Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl
  117. Rand Paul Pretends To Sleep So Dad Will Carry Him In From Car
  118. Last Bastion Of U.S. Economy Succumbs To Pancreatic Cancer
  119. Rod Stewart Easily Passes For An Elderly Aunt
  120. Lunchbox Mostly Medication
  121. $80,000 Wedding Beautiful
  122. Sears Extremists Fly Plane Into Willis Tower
  123. Area Man Can't Imagine Life Without This Woman
  124. NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt
  125. Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator
  126. Embarrassing Bounced Check From Greece Taped Up In IMF Headquarters
  127. Cannibal Corpse Blasting From Papal Apartment Window
  128. Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon Slice
  129. Mom’s Bathing Suit Just One Giant, Body-Eclipsing Ruffle
  130. Annual Teeth Cleaning Reveals Three Previously Unnoticed Rows Of Teeth
  131. Report: Nobody's Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died In One Of Those Things
  132. Bored U.S. Postmaster General Creates Beard Of Stamps During Meeting
  133. Public Bathroom's Condition Encapsulates Why World's Problems Are Unfixable
  134. Breaking: Dow Futures Plunge On News That Bill Loughlin Has Entered Sears Express Checkout Line
  135. Report: Some Sick Fuck Out There Now Supporting Herman Cain Because Of Sexual Assault Allegations
  136. New Program Provides Depressed Americans With Suicide Assistance Dogs
  137. Hypochondriac Maple Tree Always Convinced It Has Asian Longhorn Beetles
  138. Blanket Of Snow Creates Illusion That Town Not A Total Shithole
  139. Asexually Reproduced Sea Sponge Worried She’s Turning Into Herself
  140. 8th Grader Caked In Makeup Probably Really Confident
  141. SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show
  142. Keyboard’s Second Row A Veritable Who’s Who Of Special Punctuation Characters
  143. Romney Wears Anti-Bacterial Yellow Gloves While Greeting Rust Belt Americans
  144. Man Approaching Attractive Woman Fails To Notice Chelsea Handler Book Until It's Too Late
  145. Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters
  146. Prince William, Kate Middleton Celebrate One-Year Anniversary By Forcing Humiliated Servants To Disrobe, Kiss Each Other
  147. Something Sliding Around In Coffin
  148. Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee
  149. Eric Cantor Tossed By Bucking Mitch McConnell During Congressional Rodeo
  150. Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming
  151. GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life'
  152. The Onion Review: Obama Casts National Musical
  153. Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog
  154. Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes
  155. Sex Toy Discreetly Shipped In Plain Dildo-Shaped Box
  156. Grandpa Looking Absolutely Precious In New Baseball Cap
  157. Sleeping Middle-Aged Businessman In Airport Suddenly So Childlike, So Vulnerable
  158. Local Burger Feels Especially Disgusting Today
  159. Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving
  160. The Onion Review: Congress Cuts Its Step-Son's Funding
  161. Teacher Hoping Students Can Tell He Was Once Popular