1. Christ, Article A Video
  2. Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling
  3. Nostalgic Warden Has Seen 3 Generations Of Family Come Through Prison
  4. New PS4 Feature Allows User To Close Eyes And Imagine Really Fun Game
  5. The Gunman Tragedy: A Recap Of The Onion’s Coverage
  6. Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges
  7. Indianapolis' 2020 Olympic Bid Video: "Our Time To Shine"
  8. Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive
  9. Blood-Drenched, Berserk CEO Demands More Web Videos
  10. Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.
  11. CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO
  12. Parents Urge Son To Invest In Improv Comedy Education
  13. Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching Lost In For World Of Disappointment
  14. Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter
  15. Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite
  16. Dept. Of Interior Releases New Stick
  17. Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today
  18. Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife
  19. VIDEO: Middle-Aged Woman Angrily Demanding Price Check On Rice Pudding Was Once Carefree Youth, Onlookers Speculate
  20. Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping
  21. Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores
  22. Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob
  23. Nation’s Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat
  24. Nation Terrified After Millions Lose Consciousness For 8 Whole Hours Last Night
  25. Man Moving To New City Never Took Time To Truly Loathe Surroundings
  26. Bob Dylan Lays Off 2,000 Workers From Songwriting Factory
  27. Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar
  28. Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines
  29. Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression
  30. Study: Slapping Everyone In Grocery Store, Exposing Yourself In Produce Section Still Frowned Upon By Society
  31. Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup
  32. Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats
  33. This Minnesota State Museum’s Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ Set
  34. Man Who Has Something Seriously Wrong With Him On A Fundamental Level Leaves That Part Off OKCupid Profile
  35. Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable
  36. Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking
  37. Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe
  38. Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings
  39. CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them
  40. Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor
  41. Middle-Aged Waiter Sadly Not Involved In Any Creative Endeavor
  42. Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans
  43. Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This
  44. Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else's Grains, Cereals Per Day 
  45. NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA 
  46. Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder
  47. College Freshman Honors Dead Roommate’s Memory By Solemnly Eating All His Food
  48. Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House
  49. 12-Year-Old Couldn’t Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox
  50. Area Man Lacks Star Power Necessary To Carry Major Motion Picture
  51. Study: Most Serial Killers Did Not Receive Toy Every Time They Went To Store As Kids
  52. Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts
  53. Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers
  54. 'The State Of The Union Is Strong,' Says Man Responsible For Shielding Nation From Truth 
  55. Slow-Witted Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Government Behind NASA
  56. Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads
  57. Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud
  58. There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop
  59. New Al-Qaeda Recruit Sick Of Hearing Senior Terrorists Brag About 9/11 Attacks
  60. VIDEO: High School For The Performing Arts Student Goes In Depth About Really Weird Peer Pressure
  61. Child Sees No Reason Why Iron Man Costume Can't Be Worn To Grandfather’s Funeral
  62. Shadows Meet The Clouds, Gray On Gray, Like Dusty Charcoal On An Ashen Brow, Nation's Poets Report
  63. Personal Trainer Making Area Man Put On Humiliating Little Show For Entire Gym
  64. Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans
  65. 'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting
  66. Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time
  67. Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise
  68. Nude Man Who Locked Self Out Of House Delivers Moving Treatise On Human Condition To Slowly Gathering Crowd
  69. Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave
  70. Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired
  71. Small Business Still Manages To Mistreat Workers Like Large Corporate Chain
  72. Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers’ Parents Beginning Trial Separation
  73. Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough
  74. Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire Extinguisher
  75. Area Man Panics After Accidentally 'Liking' 381 Of His Ex-Girlfriend’s Facebook Photos
  76. Man Has Such Good Friends They’ll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes
  77. Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend
  78. ‘And Yet, Is Not Beef Itself An Expression Of Wanton Lust?’ Bizarre New McDonald’s Ad Asks
  79. Osama Bin Laden Foundation Awards Fellowships To 20 Promising Young Terrorists
  80. Netflix Sends Message To Check If Area Man Okay After Watching Entire Season Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Single Sitting
  81. College Freshman's Roommate Has Had Excuse To Go Home Every Weekend Since August
  82. Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda
  83. Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him $50,000 In Debt, Inadequately Prepared For Job Market
  84. Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year
  85. Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games
  86. Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out
  87. Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year
  88. Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard
  89. Excerpt From Buddhist Extremist Video Threat
  90. Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine
  91. Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing 'B.A. In Communications' On Résumé
  92. Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers
  93. Scientists Confirm Statues Humans’ Closest Nonliving Relative
  94. Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy 
  95. Open Relationship Gives Couple Freedom To Emotionally Drain Other People From Time To Time
  96. High School Student, Teacher Applying For Same Summer Waitressing Job
  97. Doctor Recalls Average-Looking Sibling Who Inspired Him To Go Into Cosmetic Surgery
  98. Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms
  99. Classmates Respond To Jessica Milly’s Decision To Put Out
  100. Area Woman Thinks All Of Her Friends Should Be Comedians
  101. Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities
  102. Man Doesn’t Know How Parents Ever Going To Pay Off Massive Student Loan Debt
  103. And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow
  104. Increasingly Worried Man Hasn't Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito
  105. Rare Pornographic Movie Shot At Vatican For First Time Since 1982's 'Pope Fisters IV'
  106. Mother Who Forgot To Pay 29-Year-Old Son's Phone Bill Reminded To Really Be Careful About That
  107. Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In 'Cosmopolitan' Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory
  108. Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome
  109. Man Not Sure He’s Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing Firm
  110. New Sony Nose Buds Allow Users To Blast Different Smells Into Nostrils
  111. FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs
  112. Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed
  113. Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing
  114. Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance
  115. Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times 
  116. John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Christmas Album Plunges Nation Into Double-Dip Recession
  117. Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR
  118. Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It's Fucking Paris 
  119. Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic
  120. Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied
  121. Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopher
  122. Mitt Romney Terrified What Will Happen If He Ever Stops Running For President
  123. Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life's Weird Like That Sometimes
  124. Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes'
  125. Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob
  126. Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought
  127. Smitten Man Can't Believe Woman He's On Date With Also Into The Beatles
  128. Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She’s Not Interested In Him
  129. Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together
  130. PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama
  131. Gay 12-Year-Old: 'I Like Eating Lunch Here By Myself'
  132. Paramedics Rush To Revive God Following Latest Suicide Attempt
  133. Excited Man Only 2 Therapy Sessions Away From Resolving Issues
  134. Guy On Intense Cell Phone Call Walking Up And Down Block For Past 45 Minutes
  135. Study: Human Imagination Capable Of Magnificent Things During Masturbation
  136. Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up
  137. Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels
  138. Hostages Freed After Tense 7-Minute Standup Set
  139. Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention
  140. Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend's Office To Deliver Surprise Threat 
  141. Video Of Man Weeping Becomes Viral Hit
  142. Evangelical Hospital Holds 5th Annual Gayness Cure Walk
  143. 38-Year-Old Little Boy Posts Picture Of Fast Car He Likes To Facebook
  144. Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are Eaten
  145. Study: Majority Of Children Lack Strong Male Supermodels