1. How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat
  2. Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency
  3. Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer
  4. Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'
  5. This Week On Today Now!
  6. Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows
  7. Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air
  8. Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses
  9. Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa
  10. This Week On Today Now!
  11. Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.
  12. Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography
  13. Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack
  14. How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father
  15. Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident
  16. Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates
  17. Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'
  18. Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa
  19. Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings
  20. New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free
  21. Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth
  22. Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze
  23. Oprah Invites Hundreds Of Lucky Fans To Be Buried With Her In Massive Tomb
  24. Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV
  25. Police Still Searching For Missing Productive, Obedient Woman
  26. Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories
  27. How To Get Your Son To Remove His Halloween Costume
  28. How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge
  29. 'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man
  30. Planning A Spouse's Funeral Even Though They'll Probably Never Ever Die
  31. Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself
  32. Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures
  33. Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show
  34. Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris
  35. Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses
  36. Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public
  37. Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series
  38. Bird Hunted To Near Extinction Due To Infuriating 'Fuck You' Call
  39. Chinese Gossip Blogger Fights For Freedom To Post Celebrity Up-Skirt Photos
  40. Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On
  41. Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python
  42. Medical Miracle: Man Lives Thanks To Heart Stolen From Dead Man
  43. Today Now!: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape
  44. Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'
  45. Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now
  46. Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes
  47. NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts For Rigors Of An Interview With Larry King
  48. How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side
  49. Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction
  50. Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse
  51. 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State
  52. Is This 'Real Life Mr. Ed' Just A Horse Owned By A Lunatic?
  53. Today Now!: How To Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election
  54. 12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams
  55. New Ad Urges Hipsters To Go To Applebee's Ironically
  56. Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee
  57. Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' From Recipe That Came To Him In A Dream
  58. How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine
  59. New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'
  60. Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature
  61. Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody
  62. VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half-Court Shot
  63. Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters
  64. Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq
  65. Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids
  66. Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids
  67. Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization
  68. Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg
  69. Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"
  70. Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' At Strong Women In TV Awards
  71. Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar
  72. Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk
  73. Today Now!: Save Money By Taking A Vacation Entirely In Your Mind
  74. Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars
  75. How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him
  76. Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive
  77. FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It’s Alyson Hannigan
  78. How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son
  79. The Onion News Network's Morning Show: Today Now!